The more sand [that] has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it – Niccolo Machiavelli
Another Decade
Bartering With DEATH
It is almost impossible to receive a diagnosis of cancer and not consider one's own mortality. It is, after all, a death sentence for so many people. Thus, to fear that such a diagnosis signals that your days are numbered is natural. For me, and I know I am not alone, there was the inevitable bartering with 'death' about how long I had left. I just needed to do this or just that. I just needed my children to grow up a little more. And as time past all my must do 'this' and 'thats', that I had bartered for, were achieved. The children had grown up a little. So again I bartered with 'death' for some more 'this' and 'thats'. See the kids finish school. See them finish college. See them become adults and start careers. And so it goes on. I am not sure that the bartering will ever trully end but I do take comfort in knowing that my children are independent adults now.
Celebrating Ten Years
My cancer surgery was on the 14th February 2011. So on Valentine's Day 2021, in amongst the chaos of Covid 19 and lockdowns we celebrated my ten years of survival. It was, of course, an incredibly emotional event and at times overwhelming. So many different emotions to process including: Pride - I had got to ten years. Gratitude - to everyone who had made that possible. Guilt - towards those that are unfortunately on the other side of the survival rate statistics. Joy - at being surrounded by my family to celebrate this day.
My daughter makes exceedingly good cakes!
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Being a Survivor
I have described, above, the 'bartering with death' that I have done in my mind. A desire to live long enough to see certain milestones. For me it was having a young family and wanting to be there for them as they grew up. This, of course, gave me a drive and determination to be one of the survivors in the survival rate statistics. Now I have written elsewhere about the need for caution when considering survival rates but the fact remains that they provide a number to aim for. What was the probabilty of me surviving a month, a year or even a decade? And generally the probability is in your favour in the beginning. For my cancer, ACC, about 80% of patients survived five years. Well that's the majority. I can do that, no problem! Roughly 60% at ten years. Still a majority. Better odds than flipping a coin! And so it continues and though the odds close the knowledge that there are survivors living decades after treatment is both reassuring and a target to aim for. So from the beginning I have aimed to become the one still standing decades later.
So at the time of writing this update on my cancer I am more than 13 years after diagnosis and treatment. I probably had my cancer for five years or more before it was diagnosed. So all things considered I am doing well. My annual scans remain clear and my cancer is dormant. I can not stress enough my gratitude to all the many doctors, nurses, therapists, radiographers and lots of other unsung heroes of the NHS involved in me being here today. Nearly everyday I am thankful for the privileged life I have and stay positive. But I say nearly because I am not immune to the odd dark day or two. Times when the limitations of my health stop me doing things I want to do. Times when everyday illnesses and injuries make things just a little bit harder. Times when I just feel that I deserve recognition for all the hard work I put into staying well. But I am usually good at giving myself a good 'talking to' so moments of feeling sorry for myself are short-lived. I bounce back the next time the sun shines.