Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out - Robert Collier
Recovery
Slow to improve
There was very little change in my routine for the first week of my recovery. The burns to my face, ear and throat were still very sore and food still was tasteless and unappealing. But by week two I was feeling stronger and gradually doing more. Episodes of nausea became further apart and gradually faded. I was eating more foods, mashed potato, soups, chicken and my taste buds were starting to recover. I could look after myself during the day and Catherine was able to return to work. I also asked the hospital to reduce my oxycodone and they gave me a plan to wean myself off it over the next four weeks.
In week three I had my catheter removed and began managing my bladder for myself. I was already driving by now and going for walks of up to 2km. In spite of my very limited calorific intake during radiotherapy I had only lost about 6 or 7kg and I was now gradually putting this back. I was still very tired and quickly fatigued. An hour visiting my school to see my work colleagues left me needing to rest for about two days.
In week four I was suddenly hit by insomnia. A result of coming off the oxycodone was that immediately I just could not get to sleep. After about 36 hours I desperately demanded help from my GP before I murder anyone. I was then prescribed sleeping tablets and needed these for a couple of weeks while my body adjusted to the withdrawal of the oxycodone. I was frustrated that now I was taking another potentially addictive medicine when I had been so determined to come off the oxycodone quickly. Fortunately, within a few weeks I was able to settle back into a healthy sleep routine. By the end of May I was eating a normal diet and no longer needed my food supplements. The skin on my face, ear and the bald patch on the back on my head had lost it angry red appearance but was frequently and irritatingly itchy. Aqueous cream helped with this but Catherine often jokingly threatened to get me some scratch mitts as I frequently succumbed to the urge to frantically scratch.
Tinnitus
It was the beginning of June and we had bought a trampoline for my daughter's birthday. After everyone had gone to school I began building it, determined to have it ready as a surprise at the end of the day. It was a big trampoline and it took every ounce of strength to complete. By the end of the day it was done but I was totally exhausted and it took me several days to recover from the ensuing fatigue that I experienced. This became a pattern where if I tried to do too much I quickly tired and needed rest.
During this time I had weekly appointments with the hospital and the surgical packing was gradually reduced until it was no longer needed. The inside of my ear was still very raw and as I no longer had an ear canal. I was now functionally deaf in that ear but that was a small price to pay. Being deaf in one ear does have some advantages as when I put my good ear to the pillow to sleep at night I do not get disturbed by other sounds.
Unfortunately one side effect of the treatment has been to leave me with tinnitus. This is now my constant companion as it has never stopped to ring in my ear ever since. Fortunately, I decided right at the beginning not to let it upset me and just accept it for what is, a background noise. Initially I concentrated on the tinnitus sound, focussing on the changes in pitch or the rhythm. Trying to think of real life situations where I might hear these sounds. I associated my tinnitus with the constant background noise you get on a large ship. I also tried to associate it with comforting noises from my early childhood like a bath being run or mum vacuuming after I had gone to bed. When going to sleep I would again focus on the sound and take comfort from it as it helped me drown out the external world. This is has helped me learn to ignore it and most of the time I am truly unaware of it.
By July I was free of the physical effects of the radiotherapy. Even the back of my head had a few brave hairs trying to reestablish themselves. I was eating and sleeping normally as were the rest of my 'take for granted' bodily functions. I was starting to go out for gentle rides on my bike. I had to be very careful in sunlight as the skin exposed to radiotherapy was now ultra sensitive to the radiation of the sun. Nothing less than Factor 50 suncream was needed on this part of my face and head. I needed to stay in the shade or wear a wide brim hat and try to ensure that the right hand side of my head was facing away from the sun. I was still prone to fatigue and needed to balance any activity with plenty of rest.
At the beginning of August a friend of my wife, offered us the use of their seaside holiday home in Hampshire. This was a great time for us as a family and we cycled in the woods; walked along the beach, built sandcastles and ate cream teas. For the children it was the return to normality. Dad was OK.
Autumn 2011
As the schools went back in September I was still on sick leave. I felt good in myself generally but I didn't feel ready for the full on demands of my post as a deputy headteacher. I needed some mental space. I needed some time on my own away from everybody. I needed to feel independent, able to cope on my own and in charge of my body and mind.
I decided to go on a trip. I had been thinking of doing Wainwright's Coast to Coast walk since watching a program during my radiotherapy. I had bought his book but decided that I couldn't afford the time to do this. Instead I chose to do the Coast to Coast Cycle Ride. I booked the train to St Bees on the Monday and home from Tynemouth on Friday. Catherine insisted that I sleep in B&B's and not camp so I had these all booked along the route. I set off not knowing whether I would have the strength and endurance to complete it. I came back feeling more confident about my body and mind. I was no longer a cancer patient. I had 'survived' this and come out 'the other side'. The trip gave me the freedom to think about everything in my life, my family and work. When I returned I had made a big decision.
Returning to work
After eight months off work I began a phased return at the beginning of October following a plan from Occupational Health to build up my hours over a period of about four to five weeks. I had a hospital scan due that first week back and I got the results a week later. The doctors were pleased with the results and I would now move to three monthly check ups. I felt well and the results gave me the confidence to follow through with a resolution I had made whilst recovering. I met with my headteacher and let them know that I wanted to resign at the end of term.
It remains one of my better decisions in life! I did not want to return to a role that demanded so much time and commitment. I didn't want to return to the stress I had experienced before and the compromises that it demanded not just in work/life balance but what I believed were my core educational and social values and the agenda of politicians.
Having handed in my notice, I now had to find a job. I was lucky in that a role of specialist teacher working for the local authority came up. Fortunately, for me, I was offered a role on the behaviour support team and I agreed to work on a four day week contract. This would give me a break in the middle of the week when I could rest, catch up with work and attend my hospital appointments.
At the end of term the staff gave me a great send off and organised a lot of silly games including tricycle racing. In a moment of over competitiveness I managed to catch my knee on a metal girder. I therefore ended my deputy headship by hobbling out of the school and over to hospital where an x-ray revealed a fractured patella.
It was therefore with a lot of embarrassment that I started the first day of my new job having to ask for some time off to attend the fracture clinic the following day. Fortunately, my knee was healing well and I was discharged and told that I should be able to start exercising again in a few weeks.
