Retirement

Doubts and Distractions

My decision to stop working came on swiftly, barely two weeks into a new academic year. Up until that point I had been positively determined to carry on doing my best to overcome the difficulties I faced. However, in September 2016 as I sat with my new academic diary open I felt consumed with doubts. These included anxieties that I wouldn't be able to complete any new projects that I started or see through to closure new referral cases. I was afraid of letting people down. Instead, I felt that I needed to finish now before my work life became compromised by the development of my lower cranial palsies.

My work involved a lot of meetings where I needed to listen and talk with parents and staff. As a result of my single sided tongue palsy I was increasingly worried about my speech becoming slurred and was constantly self-monitoring what I said. I began to notice how often I bashed my tongue into my teeth when speaking and the increasing need to cough. My right hand side of my neck had become overly sensitive to touch and wearing a tie was no longer possible. I could also no longer wear my identification badge around my neck and took to wearing it on a belt clip. However, many schools also insisted that I wear their own visitor badges and these were nearly always on lanyards. I did my best to put these in pockets but that was not alway possible. I found these additional sensory issues, and my growing anxiety about them, distracting and began to experience lapses in my concentration. All of these issues were exemplified in one very memorable meeting in my first week back from the summer holidays.

It was a particularly challenging meeting. I responding to an urgent referral for a child, who was the 'victim' of an undesirable incident involving another child's use of sexualised language and behaviour. The child's parents were very angry and though their concern was natural and understandable it was out of all proportion to the severity and significance of the incident. The children involved were six year olds. The incident was within accepted official boundaries of sexual exploration for the age range. It was however an incident that was wholly inappropriate in a school setting. The headteacher had dealt with the transgression of behaviour appropriately and the matter should of ended there. Unfortunately, the child's parents wanted the 'perpetrator' permanently excluded and as the headteacher was not doing this they wanted the head to go too. I sat through this long meeting listening and listening to this bitter uncompromising couple who just wanted 'blood' and I just decided that it was time for me to go.

Unfit for work

For a while now, a day of talking at work meant that I would experience swallowing difficulties during my evening meal. Though the choking sensation was momentary and I quickly was able to continue it was naturally unsettling for my family. Catherine had therefore been pressing me to stop work for some time and so she was both relieved and supportive when I finally agreed to talk to my doctor.

Catherine came with me to meet with my GP. My mind was a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions so Catherine did most of the talking. The doctor was hugely supportive and told me that it was time for me to focus on my health. And that was it - with a few strokes of her pen I was signed off as unfit for work.

It was about two weeks before I finally finished work. Lots of goodbye chats with so many different colleagues were done. All the 'must do' jobs that I felt I had to complete before leaving were done. I had also managed to procrastinate and find lots of other tasks to complete in what was really an avoidance of the inevitable last day. However, finally I ran out of plausible reasons to delay my departure and so I cleared my storage cupboard of anything personal and I trundled out of the office with my trolley bag for the last time.

I had retired.

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Sick Leave

I had not retired. In fact I was off sick and would be signed off work for over a year before I officially retired.

On the advice of my occupational pension I had been advised to use up all my entitlement to sick pay before I submitted my claim for ill-health retirement. This would give me another year of contributions towards my pension fund. This made a lot of sense but it didn't always seem right.

Towards the end of the academic year I began the process of applying for my ill-health retirement. This began with a referral to Occupational Health for assessment. I drove to the office to meet with my line manager and completed the necessary paperwork. This necessarily involved 'bumping' into people I knew as I moved around the building. 

It is always weird to return to a place of work after you have left. It is full of mixed feelings as you get a chance to exchange brief conversations with ex-colleagues who are glad to see you; want to know that you are well and enjoying 'retirement' but at the same time are busy and needing to get on with their work. Quickly you develop a number of short replies, delivered with a smile, to answer the same questions and remarks: "Yes feeling well, thanks. Getting lots of sleep!" or "Retirements great, keeping really busy. Don't know how I ever found time for work!"

Occupational Health Assessment

I was naturally a bit nervous meeting with the Occupational Health doctor. I had been off work for nearly a year and in many ways it felt odd that I was now only officially seeking 'permission' to retire. I also felt very well and rather too healthy for someone seeking retirement on medical grounds. I was sure they would take one look at me and write 'fraud' or 'malingerer' over my application and send me packing. However, to my relief the doctor listened to my story, reviewed the medical evidence and was fully supportive of the 'compounded' medical grounds for my retirement. The doctor would now write a report that would then be sent to another Occupational Health Doctor together with the large amount of accumulated paperwork for final review. This took several weeks before a final decision was made and I received a confirmation that my application had been approved. Now all that was required was for my pension to be calculated and a date for it to begin. So it was that about thirteen months after I stopped work I was officially retired. I was now 51 years old.